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How to Lose Yourself in 10 Ways

The Development of Low Self Concept and Self Esteem

Nov 22, 2007 Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

Your social identity and self concept can be buried in family expectations, professional obligations, and cultural norms. Here's how self concept and self esteem are lost

Losing yourself means you don’t know what you really feel or think. Your social identity and self concept are lost, your self development is stalled, and your self-esteem is low. Somehow your development of self concept and self esteem was railroaded by social norms and cultural expectations (not to mention family expectations!).

For instance, you don't know if you prefer working with business partners or striking out alone, or if you crave vegetarian soy or meat-lovers pizza. You don’t know if you like wearing six inch heels or driving a minivan – but you do know what your mom expects of you.

When you do know what you want, you’re afraid to say it.

How to Lose Yourself in 10 Ways

  1. Ignore your true self. Fulfill everyone else's expectations and let others dictate your experiences. Do the things other people want. Always say "yes", always accept volunteer or professional requests. Make all your decisions considering, "What will people think?" Forget about your self concept and self esteem.
  2. Focus on your appearance. Dress for others and change your body to please your partner (wax, botox, hate your body, covet skinny models). Compare yourself to others, especially images of air-brushed perfection. Ignore your own unique self development.
  3. Ignore your dreams and goals. Clean the house, garden, ferry kids to soccer practice, paint the deck, cook meals, darn the socks. Whatever you do, don't daydream or fantasize about owning your own business, writing books, or becoming a mechanic. Let your self concept and self esteem take a back seat to other obligations.
  4. Blindly follow your career. Don’t take responsibility. Don't speak up at meetings. Accept extra work even though you're overwhelmed and overloaded. Let others take credit. Don't consider pursuing the education or job that you're passionate about. Let colleagues negatively influence your self concept and self esteem.
  5. Don't choose your activities. Participate in activities you feel lukewarm about or outright hate. Go to places that make you feel uncomfortable. Be a martyr. Forget about self identity and self development.
  6. Lose control of your health. Let your doctor, psychiatrist, or counselor totally control your prescriptions, diagnoses, and schedule. Don't follow your gut or do your own research. Don’t trust yourself or seek a second opinion. Put your self concept and self esteem low on your list of priorities.
  7. Disregard your mind. Swallow your opinions so you don’t offend your colleagues, neighbors, parents, partner, or kids. Ignore your ideas and stifle your creativity. Don't read books that challenge your beliefs or culture. Let your self development sink into oblivion.
  8. Swallow your emotions. Bury your feelings in chocolate ice cream, heroin, cigarettes, wine, excessive activity. Immerse yourself in shopping, watching TV, gossiping, and extreme busyness. Ignore your self concept and self esteem.
  9. Let your friends rule. Be with people who criticize, condemn, or suck you dry. Let them manipulate and push you around. Don't stand up for yourself. Don't challenge others. Let cultural norms and peer expectations dictate your self development.
  10. Don’t take risks. Don't trust yourself, don't reach out to others, don't be vulnerable, and above all don't make waves. Don't try new things or risk your reputation, money, or future. Be quiet. Hide. Shhh.

“The greatest danger, that of losing one’s own self, may pass off quietly as if it were nothing; every other loss, that of an arm, a leg, five dollars, a wife, etc. is sure to be noticed.” Soren Kierkegaard.

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The copyright of the article How to Lose Yourself in 10 Ways in Psychology is owned by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen. Permission to republish How to Lose Yourself in 10 Ways in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
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